Lily Alone
by Marija Hickory Sevenlakes
Summary: What happens after Lily climbs through the portrait hole in Chapter 33 of the Deathly Hallows.
1. Chapter 1

_**author's note**: I've always thought that Lily must have had more internal conflict than JKR let on, and I started writing this story to explore that idea. Please feel free to let me know if I've gotten any details wrong - I've tried to keep everything consistent with the books, but I fully acknowledge something might have slipped past me!_

Chapter One

The red-haired girl climbed back through the portrait hole. The door swung closed behind her, but not before she heard an anguished cry of "_Lily_!"

He hardly ever spoke her name.

She froze, but just for a moment. Everything was silent. She could tell that he was waiting out there, that he knew there would be a moment when she'd think about coming back out, maybe agreeing to go for a walk...

He knew her too well.

Disgusted, Lily stalked into the common room and flung herself into her favorite chair by the fire. With that crucial moment gone, she knew Severus would leave, would go back to the Slytherin common room to do whatever it was he did with his revolting Death Eater friends.

Dimly, she could hear the Fat Lady outside muttering about the generally ill-mannered nature of most Slytherins. She was right - he had left. She _always_ knew what he'd do when he was angry.

Mary Macdonald, who'd been waiting just inside the portrait hole listening, just to make sure Lily would be all right, came over to the fire. She knelt on the ground next to Lily and patted her hand, like any good friend would do.

"Oh, Lily," she said. "You did the right thing."

Lily was startled - she thought Mary had gone up to bed. Looking down into Mary's sweet, round, simple face, Lily's stomach began to cramp with guilt.

Lily turned away, letting her dark red hair fall over her eyes. _She has no idea what I've just done, what I've really just done._

As a child, when she had to make a difficult decision (such as whether to tell on her sister Petunia for breaking their mum's favorite teacup), Lily used to picture an angelic Good Lily and a devilish Bad Lily fighting at each of her shoulders, just like when Muggle cartoon characters anguished over some moral dilemma.

The same two voices were still there, but now that she was older it was more difficult to tell which was Good Lily and which was Bad Lily. Now, as she sat by the fire, one voice echoed Mary: _You can't let someone just call you Mudblood and get away with it!_ But the other voice said, _He needs you, Lily -- what is he going to do without you?_

She brushed a tear off of her cheek, hoping Mary wouldn't see.

"Maybe this'll help," Mary whispered, digging into the pocket in her dressing gown, and then pressing a small silver flask into Lily's hands.

Instantly Lily stiffened, her green eyes sweeping the empty room. Inside, Good Lily cried _Mary, where did you get this?_ and _As prefect, I'm going to have to confiscate this!_ - but just as quickly, a black curtain fell and blocked out Good Lily so completely that not even the slightest whisper of admonishment could be heard.

All that was left was Bad Lily, who unscrewed the cap and took a deep drink of the firewhisky.

The knot inside her loosened just a bit.

Mary rose from the floor and perched on the arm of Lily's chair. "You're so much better off this way, Lil. I mean -- the way he always _looks_ at you...it's just not right. It's like - it's like he's _hungry_--" Mary's expression as she emphasized the last word was one of mixed horror and disgust.

Lily regarded the girl with a little pity, and felt more alone than ever.

_It's like she doesn't understand that hunger at all_, she thought. _But I do_.

Indeed Lily did. Her hunger was always there, just as deep and intense as her childhood friend's, but she was better at concealing it. Or perhaps it was just less immediate because unlike Severus, her hunger dealt not with the power to control others, the power to make others fear you. Instead, Lily's hunger dealt with what people might actually consider _virtue_.

She shuddered thinking about it. The only person who had ever come close to guessing what Lily was really like inside had been Professor Slughorn, when he remarked that she should've been in Slytherin. She'd tried to shrug it off, had flung back a saucy comment that made Slughorn chuckle thickly and wink at her -- but his suggestion had rested uncomfortably in the back of her mind ever since.

_Might_ she have been better off in Slytherin?

Above all else, what Lily had wanted for her entire life, as long as she could remember -- longer, even, than she had known Severus -- was to be good.

But that wasn't it, exactly - what Lily wanted, deep down, was to be the most honest, trustworthy, benevolent, generous person _ever_. But even that wasn't_quite_ right - what Lily really, really wanted was to become the living, breathing epitome of "good," as well as all of its synonyms in _Benedictine Wordwright's Magical Thesaurus_.

_Mary's closer to being that, though_, Lily thought bitterly. _She knows how friends are supposed to act toward each other when one of them's got problems._

Lily tried to smile. "You're right," she said, but it felt like a lie. Happy, sweet, pretty Lily was lying to a nice, boring girl like Mary Macdonald, who would no more have believed her capable of it than she would have believed Professor Dumbledore capable of murder.

Mary smiled back. "Why don't I just let you confiscate that then --" she nodded at the flask "--and I'll see you in the morning."

Lily watched the other girl disappear up the stairs. _Mary is a good friend, looking out for me like that_, she told herself. _I won't miss Severus at all._ But that felt like a lie too.

She took another deep swig from the smoking flask.

Sure, it was fun to go down to the lake with Mary and the girls, to bundle up and head out to the Quidditch pitch to poke fun at that fatheaded James Potter on his ridiculous gilded broomstick. But all the other girls wanted to do was gossip, talk about who was taking whom to the Yule Ball or speculate about whether Dumbledore had ever been married (or, indeed, whether he even liked witches at all!)

Not that it wasn't fun sometimes, but what Lily really craved was the company of people she could talk to about important ideas, issues that affected the Wizarding world...And the only person she had ever been able to talk to about these things was Severus.

_Severus is the only person who ever really knew me_, she thought. _Now that I don't have him, I'm all alone_.


	2. Chapter 2

[author's note: thank you for the reviews on Chapter 1. It's hard making someone else's characters do what you want them to, isn't it? I hope to update sooner next time...

Chapter Two

Lily woke with a start. The fire had gone out, and the early morning sun was now streaming through the windows.

Oh no, she thought, frantically searching the folds of her dressing gown for Mary's empty flask. I'm a prefect - I can't get caught like this...

Her temples were throbbing, and her mouth felt like the inside of the Hog's Head.

She had just shoved the flask into her pocket when the door to the boys' dormitory opened and little Peter Pettigrew, dressed in an odd set of orange-and-green checkered flannel pajamas, stepped out, yawning.

He jumped when he spotted her, turning pink at the sight of the girl his friend James obsessed over, clad in her dressing gown.

"Good morning, Peter," Lily said, a little stiffly. "You're, er, up early."

Pettigrew shifted from foot to foot, as if he had to go to the loo. "I could say the same about you, then, couldn't I?"

"Yes, well. We've got our Potions O.W.L. this morning, haven't we? I was just doing some late night studying --"

"Late night studying? Are you joking?"

Lily groaned. James Potter and Sirius Black had just appeared in the doorway behind Pettigrew.

"Well I never would have believed it, Lily Evans making up patently untruthful stories," said Sirius. "Don't listen to her lies, Wormy," he added, clapping Pettigrew on the back. Pettigrew beamed up at him, even though it was clear he had no idea what Sirius was talking about.

Lily pretended she didn't know, either. "For your information, I was looking through some particularly complicated notes from fourth year, about Libido-Quenching Libations--" She shot James a particularly nasty look.

"Come off it, Evans!" James cried, shaking his head in mock dismay. "I wholeheartedly admit that Pettigrew here is not the sharpest quill in the shop--" Pettigrew looked delighted that James would choose him to insult "--but even he can see that your little study corner is completely devoid of books, notes, or study aids of any variety. Unless," he added, pulling out his wand. "You consider this a study aid." He flicked his wand and the empty flask zoomed out of Lily's dressing gown pocket.

Pettigrew and Sirius roared with laughter as Lily frantically grabbed after the flask, which James levitated just out of her reach.

"Give it back!" she hissed, cursing herself for leaving her wand upstairs.

James flicked his wand again, and the flask floated over into his waiting hands. "Oh, I'll give it back," he said smugly. "If you do one thing for me,"

Lily's eyes narrowed. "What?" She hoped that her voice sounded poisonous enough to conceal her abject fear at getting turned in to Professor McGonagall.

James grinned, tossing the flask back and forth between his hands in the same way that he might play with a Golden Snitch. "Tell us all about that big row you had with old Snivellus last night."

"Oooh, good one, Prongs," said Sirius, folding his arms across his chest and turning to Lily. "Let's hear it, Evans. It'll be all over Hogwarts by breakfast, anyway."

"What do you mean?" Lily snapped, looking from James to Sirius to Pettigrew.

"Well, I'm just saying," continued Sirius, shrugging his shoulders. "It's not as if no one's going to see what Snivelly did after he left here last night--"

"What did he do?" Lily demanded, half in anger and half in dread.

But James just winked at her. "You'll see. Now how about telling us your side of the story--"

Hatred welling up inside her, Lily launched herself at James in attempt to wrestle the flask out of his hands. But James, excellent Seeker that he was, was much too quick for her and she ended up flat on her face. Sirius and Pettigrew both went mad with laughter - Sirius's deep, booming chuckles underlying Pettigrew's high-pitched, almost girlish titter. Lily flushed, humiliated.

"I hate you," she spat at James.

James shrugged and stretched, tucking the flask into his own dressing gown pocket. "Ah, well. As they say, there's a thin line between love and hate." He reached down to offer her a hand but she refused, glowering at him. "I'll tell you what, Evans. It's a good thing Prefect Moony's still up there sleeping off his, er, wild night, because I'll keep your little transgression secret from him until--" he looked down at his watch for emphasis "--exactly 24 hours from now. During that time, you may do whatever you wish: study, excel at your Potions O.W.L. as I'm sure you will--"

"Keep your flattery to yourself!" she spat.

"--or perhaps go take a walk around the lake with yours truly, James Potter--"

"I'd rather listen to the Mandrake crop sing 'Twelve Days of Christmas'!"

"--but if you would like this back--" Here, James indicated the flask, "--the one thing that you absolutely must do is tell us, in your own words, all about your fight with Snivelly."

Lily felt trapped. "Why do you want to know? What business is it of yours?"

"Protecting the Wizarding world from unscrupulous sorts who would sling vile insults against such a lovely flower as yourself is our business, Love." James put on a sanctimonious face, which Sirius and Peter quickly mimicked.

"You? Protect me?" Lily had gotten up off the floor and was advancing on James in such a way that made him look a bit nervous, even knowing that she was outnumbered and wandless. "What exactly makes you think I need protecting, James Potter?"

As Sirius and Pettigrew had drawn their wands, James felt free to adopt a lofty, sanguine expression. "Do you honestly think, Evans, that when Snivelly finally catches the attention of You-Know-Who, he's going to spare a thought for you?"

Lily was flabbergasted. How dare James Potter suggest--

But she dropped his gaze. She'd pictured Severus in the service of You-Know-Who many, many times.

"Just think about it," he said, as the three boys moved toward the portrait hole and disappeared from sight.

Lily dropped back in the chair and rubbed her temples, which were throbbing. She dreaded finding out about whatever it was that Severus had allegedly done. She dreaded her Potions O.W.L., which she had very certainly not studied for at all last night. And above all, she dreaded seeing James Potter again.

James Potter was the one person toward whom she could never, _ever_ be good.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Lily took her time getting ready. She lingered at the sink, pretending that she'd gotten a bit of Toothflossing Mint stuck between her molars, so that Mary would go down to the Great Hall without her.

If I could just stay up here all day, Lily thought. Actually, if I could just stay up here until it's time to go to Hogsmeade Station tomorrow morning. Or maybe if I could just Apparate directly into my mum and dad's sitting room. Wouldn't that give old Tuney such a fright?

Instantly she felt terrible for wanting to be so mean to her sister. Hadn't she scolded Severus for years now about doing the same thing?

Thinking of him made her head pound. She didn't want to see him, but of course, he'd be everywhere. He'd be down in the Great Hall. He'd be in Potions - he'd be right beside her!

Worst of all, though, he'd be at home.

_Brilliant -- kick him when he's down_, hissed the voice in the back of her head. Was this Good Lily or Bad Lily talking? She couldn't be sure.

Lily knew that finding out he wasn't the only non-Muggle in the village of Millers Green had been the greatest moment of Severus's life, before they came to Hogwarts at least. She'd seen firsthand how cruel the Muggle children had been to him, calling him Oil Slick, telling him to stop trying to wash his hair in the chip pan. Terrible children, they were.

But now, after she saw that Severus could be just as cruel, she started to wonder. Now that he was away from home, why did he still insist on not washing his hair? It was almost like he wanted people to be cruel to him, people like James Potter and Sirius Black. But why? Hadn't he seen that it was possible to be liked, as well?

Of course he had. Her mum and dad had brought him round for dinner, at the weekends and at Christmas...he'd even stayed with them once for a week after Lily had found him wandering around the playground after dark with black eye. What a way to repay them, calling their daughter that horrible name! Mum and Dad loved Severus like he was one of their own--

Lily turned crimson, and had to look away from her own reflection.

That was just it -- Mum and Dad seemed to love Severus a little _more_ than they loved their own children.

This was no surprise to Petunia, of course. Oh, Tuney was all over that one.

_"Mum! Can't he just eat upstairs?"_

_"Of course not, Petunia darling. Have some compassion."_

_"But what about me? Why can't you have some compassion for me? I can't even invite my own boyfriend round for dinner--"_

_"Petunia, we've told you again and again your boyfriends are perfectly welcome here."_

_But Petunia had just stamped her foot and howled, "Not with Lily's pet rat eating at the table with us!"_

It was horrible to think about, that even despite Petunia's unforgivable treatment of him, Severus was a hundred times better off at the Evans house than at his own.

And now, he wouldn't have anywhere to go.

Lily left the girls' loo and headed downstairs to breakfast.

What could he possibly have done last night, anyway? Was James Potter just making that part up? Lily knew he wouldn't do anything to risk getting expelled. He'd probably turned the rubbish bins green, or made the taps in the boys' loo start dripping blood (again).

She was halfway down the stairs when Mary rushed up to meet her, her cheeks red. "Lil," she said, her voice low and grave. "Maybe you ought to skip breakfast after all."

"But we've got Potions this morning. It'll be ages till lunch - I've got to have a piece of toast at least..." Something to suck up all that firewhisky, she thought desperately, and tried to edge around Mary.

But Mary was much bigger than Lily, and resolute. "I'll go get you a piece of toast," she said. "Wait here."

Lily plopped down on the stairs with a sigh, and started mentally repeating to herself the instructions for that tricky Temperamental Tisane, which had been her only stumbling block during third year.

She was up to "counterclockwise stir, then tell the potion it's looking nice today" when she heard whispering.

"That's her, that's the one--"

She whipped around to see the Fat Lady and her friend Violet peering at her from the painting of Kneazles Playing Wizard-Poker.

Clearly embarrassed, the Fat Lady sniffed and dabbed at her face with a handkerchief. "I was just telling my friend Violet that you, Miss Evans, are the reason why the Great Hall has been roped off."

Lily blanched. "What? What do you mean?"

The Fat Lady and Violet exchanged worried looks. "She doesn't know, then, dear," hissed Violet to her friend.

The Fat Lady looked scandalized. "Well, I am not one to gossip, so you'd better have a look for yourself, Miss Evans."

Lily stood up and raced down the stairs, pushing over a group of first year Hufflepuffs in the process.

There was a huge commotion at the entrance to the Great Hall. Professor Flitwick stood on a chair, pointing his wand and directing students into the courtyard, where an outdoor breakfast buffet had been set up. Professor McGonagall was hanging magical caution tape over the door, while dozens of students were trying to get a look inside

"Excuse me, please, Professor," Lily called, pushing her way to the front of the crowd. Her heart was racing. Surely Severus couldn't have _killed_ someone in there... In spite of herself, she glanced round for James Potter--

_No_, she thought quickly. _James Potter was the one who _told_ you about all this. _

Professor McGonagall spotted her and gripped her arm. "Miss Evans," she said gravely. "I need to speak with you at once."

Terrified, Lily allowed herself to be led around to the teachers' entrance to the Great Hall. Professor McGonagall stopped right outside the door.

"Miss Evans, we're all aware of the unfortunate incident that occurred between you and Mr. Snape yesterday." She sighed. "Even when you've been teaching for as long as I have been, it's difficult to know what to do with a student like Mr. Snape."

Lily held her breath.

"Even though I do not agree with him, Professor Dumbledore would like me to show you what Mr. Snape has done to the Great Hall, because he believes you will be able to recommend the best course of action."

"Me?"

Professor McGonagall pursed her lips, regarding Lily with a look of pity. Lily could tell that her disagreement with Dumbledore on this issue had been deep. "You are a prefect, Miss Evans, and -- I shouldn't be telling you this, certainly -- a strong candidate for Head Girl." Lily's heart fluttered. "And you are the person who knows Mr. Snape the best. Although--" she paused, and gave Lily a stern look. "I would like you to know that you are not _personally responsible_ for Mr. Snape."

At this, something happened in the back of Lily's mind. She couldn't put her finger on exactly what, but something changed.

"I'll do whatever Professor Dumbledore wants me to," she said.

McGonagall sighed. "Very well." She twitched her wand, and the door to the Great Hall swung open.

Nothing Lily had imagined prepared her for what she saw. _Nothing_.


End file.
